What the fuck would a drinking site be without a bunch of stupid penis and fart jokes to laugh at? Here are some classics and some new ones to laugh your balls of with.
If
you have a funny joke to submit, send it to: TheKnights@shotknights.com
If its funny or sick enough, we'll post it and give you credit for it.
Submitted
by:
Darin Parks
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's
go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't,
I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little
boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark
in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again;
you're in my closet now."
Submitted
by:
Matt Robinson
Quickie #1
One day, Jay came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy
nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing...
Submitted
by:
Matt Robinson
Quickie #2
A Polish immigrant
went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of
course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician
showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Q.
What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a
blowjob.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called 'cunt scrapes'.
Q.
How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.
Q.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.
Q.
What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again!
Q.
What’s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.
Q.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. She gagged!
Q.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q.
Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left
is a greasy box to put your bone in
Q.
What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in
common ?
A. You don't look down.
Q.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.
Q.
What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip!
20 Things Guys Learned From Action Movies
1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone
other than myself
and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him
with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit
so
tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go
to
bed with you, and the type that want to kill you. Both types are
physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only
won't
he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my
obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will
adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will
fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator
is
a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us
dies,
we will become best friends.
10.
My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my
father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for
me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11.
When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never
be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When
people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which
will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
12.
If I'm white I will befriend at least one black guy, or one white guy
if
I'm black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me halfway
through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.
13.
If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful
daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14.
If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will
gaze at me adoringly.
15.
If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze
at me adoringly.
16.
If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game
of
any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try
to kill me.
17.
If I am given a surprise attack, I will be attacked by only one or maybe
two people at a time, and I will find that I am well-skilled in Karate
and Ju-jitsu, and if all else fails, I will always have one last firearm
hidden somewhere on my body.
18.
If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible
name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
19.
Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask,
"When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask
when I last
bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things
either.
20.
While chasing or fleeing from an enemy, I can drive anything with a motor
recklessly at 100-130 miles per hour without a seatbelt, with ammunition
filling the passenger seat, and nothing will fall out of place. Also,
no
police will ever catch me; they'll just look in amazement in my
direction.
Important notice
1.
It is important to find a woman who works around the house,
occasionally cooks and cleans, and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a woman who buys you stuff and makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a woman who's good in bed, hot body, and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four women never meet.
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred
to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time
only after you've
both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sportcenter.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out
about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you just
had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the
last month. You
tell her that it is:
A. No big concern of yours.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find
yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, baby... population: YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
sort of intimacy.
B. Probably Is too uptight and a waste of your time.
C. Probably shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first
place.
Scoring Guide:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make
sure you
really are a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're
a
little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!!"